from 5/21/08:

Of course it was a dream. One of those almost-time-for-the-alarm-to-go-off dreams...when you don't want to wake up just yet, and you're in denial about the grey light beginning to seep in through the window. But today, I really wanted to hold that moment, and it wasn't until I was fully awake that I realized what had just slipped through the fingers of my consciousness. I'm pensive about it now, because the words don't really make sense, but I'm also acutely aware of a sadness -- a desire to go back and just relish the moment for what it was.

It was an embrace. I was bound in her arms. I was aware of her hair falling over my head, my face nestled in the hollow of her shoulder. There was such sweet comfort there! -- a familiarity that replaced all of my longing for her wisdom, her counsel, her simple, peaceful presence in my life.

And then she said the strangest thing (for her!): "You'll feel so much better with this extra weight gone." Taken literally, it makes very little sense. If I look for spiritual depth, well, then...that's a whole new journey.

Trying to analyze what she could possibly have meant by that is what actually woke me. And then I could have kicked myself for not just saying "Okay, Mom." and holding on to her.

What I wouldn't give to hide in that embrace for just a little while longer....